It makes sense to have triggers unique to my experience. Communication!" -- the subject of jealousy. It's really been my issues with comparing, lashing out, and jealousy that have put the strain on our marriage and put my wife closer to the door. Here's why.... Children are typically unable (depending on age) to accurately, and concisely define their emotions to the point of deep introspection on the how's, what's, and why's they are feeling that way and what they need to feel more assured. The only thing you can do is offer support and hope they can accept it. Most respondents in happy polyamorous relationships reported that their feelings of jealousy tended to wane over the years, except when new … When we are sad, it's a sign that we must retreat emotionally to protect ourselves. We have a kid together and I know that she's staying at his place. We also usually share everything that’s happening in each other’s lives, so it's weird that there is now this part of her life that I'm not supposed to ask her about. But if jealousy is a reoccurring issue you may want to take a step back and try a slightly different approach, especially if you are deeply in love with your partner(s) and want to make it work. I had to let go of my husband in order … The solution is for the parents to be as understanding and supportive as possible, while the older child simply has to come to accept the new normal. It's not often I feel entitled to someone else's love or time, but when I do, I feel jealousy towards others who get that love and time. Jealousy doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with being poly or being capable of being in a healthy polyamorous relationship. Or if they did not answer immediately, that I have already said something wrong. His exgf played victim and decided it was my fault her relationship ended.. because we were both dating him casually last summer. When we're angry, it's a sign that we're being mistreated. But it really gets to me when it seems like she's always down to have sex with him on her weekends at his place, but only wants to be intimate with me a couple of times a month. I know, fundamentally, that we're a team. I probably still have sex with my boyfriend more then my husband, but it's more balanced now. Emotions naturally act as psychological guides. Is this one of those normal jealousy feelings that I have to work out or should I ask her to be more considerate of my feelings on the matter? Any deviation or inefficiency in any of those areas can eventually lead to jealousy. These are how my and our family time is valuable to him, even though he also enjoys spending time with her as able. The solution I outlined above is just one, among many. check out "the feeling good handbook" and I would suggest being more assertive that more frequent intamacy is needed in a romantic relationship your in. When I was first jealous of my partner I did two things. When talking about poly relationships, the conversation always seems to make its way to -- or start and ever stay on! You shouldn't sacrifice your comfort or your ideals for your partner, but a large part of being in a healthy polyamorous union is spreading love, and helping everyone in your family build roots when necessary. Comparison is one of the fastest paths to disaster in poly relationships. But it has to be for you, not to keep score. Those few who seem to have an agenda and a resentment towards me. I don't want to pressure him. Not good! A new relationship doesn't have any of the sexual baggage that a long-term relationship can develop, especially if there's a libido mismatch. And when we are jealous, it's a sign that we may be abandoned. Since most people need to be relaxed and connected for desire for a partner to spark that isn't going to help things. I've done a ton of self analysis, read psychology articles and done online tests to determine that I am, in fact, healthy. Just because you have a track record of being jealous in relationships doesn’t mean that you are doomed to feel that way your entire life. In the vast majority of polyamorous relationships, jealousy does come up at some point. ... Where you can get advice and converse with other mono people who are in relationships with poly people. It might be a matter of unclear boundaries. Online. It's also important to note that this isn't a matter of what is "fair". Along with feeling like we have a permananent place in our families, we also have intimacy needs, attention needs, sexual needs, and physical needs. While this works in the short-term, it can actually be detrimental in the longterm for many. I'm still bummed out because when we opened our reationship, she wanted to have sex with me a lot more often and try new things. Maybe a more charitable way of framing it would be, "B tried actually tried polyamory and found that she preferred monogamy." I didn't look internally and see that my finances may not be terrible, even if they're tight or unable to afford some luxury. Humans in modern society all have a need for responsibility, but in modern relationships this need is often overlooked, or worse, downplayed as something that is only of significance in the workplace. When I started the journal several weeks ago, it started out as an indictment of those women who judged me and projected their psych on me. I had to do a lot of releasing, mostly through tears. Even if we think we don’t compare partners or past relationships, our mind and ego are constantly on the lookout for better or worse. To change that, you need to understand why it is that way, for which I highly recommend the book Come As You Are. For me there are a number of reasons why I had more sex with my boyfriend then I was having with my husband. She's done a great job with making sure I stay feeling secure and I think I've been doing good with trusting her and being open to all the changes. It wasn't quick, it was timely required effort, and the process became part of my identity. Possessiveness is bred through anger, entitlement, and righteousness. I've read that part of the jealousy cycle includes the need for reassurance which can be stifling for the partner. Remember, jealousy is rooted in abandonment or the feeling that at any time you could be thrown away. Yeah I wish I could erase those tid bits of info. Members. Wait it out. Thank you for your post! Let’s take a look at them. There are things you can do to try to overcome these insecure feelings so you can have a healthy relationship. Thank you for this. Moderators. As for as the sex goes, we were both pretty vanilla before we opened our relationship. If relaxed and connected is automatically seen as a go to try to initiate sex, and she isn't interested more often than not, then it will likely follow that she will start trying to keep some distance and not appear/be relaxed and connected if she isn't already in the mood. If you want more sex, propose the need for more sex. I wanted to bring attention to emotional and familial alternatives to the problem of jealousy, and give some insight into what drives jealousy and the fear of abandonment in relationships. Here you’ll find practical, hands-on advice for dealing with the green-eyed monster and building a sense of self that is strong and secure. When I get jealous I usually try and figure out what's causing that, and relay it to my partners. Is it unreasonable (i.e., jealousy - is my partner going to leave me? It was broad enough to be applied to anyone but creates a starting point unlike the usual, "Communication. People who identify as Polyamorous are not superhuman. I've experienced that, and moved on from partners who embrace jealousy. You aren't hiding or denying but there's no reason to get details especially when it causes a negative response. The feeling of impending doom has come up past that point, but not with said partner. However, recently it has gotten a little better. Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Or maybe the cause of your feelings at the moment has nothing to do with what they're about - you're feeling sad not because something bad happened or might happen but because you need to eat lunch or get more sleep. Everyone looks at that jealousy, and then at their own actions. When I met my boyfriend and told him what I liked, he immediately was able to treat me the way I wanted to be treated in bed. We are new to polyamory, and I don't have another partner. We always had a very slow sex life. I liked that it covered jealousy in poly relationships. the other poly relationship I was in was more like us just having the rule that "what the other person doesn't know won't hurt them". I realized that my negative feelings about my crush dating someone else implied that I should feel negatively towards my crush. My wife tells me that he is actually seeks my approval and doesn't want to mess up our relationship. when dealing with a jealous person, you must realize that if you aren't the one feeling jealous, it means that you are the stronger party, and you need to be the bigger person and care for your partner that is wounded. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Presently, when I feel jealous it's because I'm being mistreated or feel as such. You start out with the premise that jealousy isn't something you can deal with by talking about it, then later suggest that it's the non-jealous party that has the onus of fixing jealousy. I second u/OhMori's recommendation of Come As You Are to address the actual issue, which is that you'd like more frequent sex in your own relationship. Do yourself a favor and don't ask and don't accept information about there sex life. Do I need more specific compliments or reassurances? Are these reassurances even feasible? Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. You suck it up, wait for the baby to be born, and either have your fears validated or everything is fine. To me, dealing with it means that I need to sit with my feelings for a bit and see why I am feeling the way I am. I'm afraid of loss and abandonment and it is manifesting like the textbook definition. I just can't find resolution. Or are they ones the jealous person needs to really look at as issues they can fix (For me it's, oh he wants to sleep with someone thinner, I'm getting myself to the gym and making healthier choices)? Sometimes, but not necessarily, and it can be a mistake to assign too much weight to an emotion. I've been more than happy though to try anything new with her. 3). I think the stress/daily life point you made is probably most of the issue. Jealousy doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with being poly or being capable of being in a healthy polyamorous relationship. You'd think "dealing with it" would actually mean, y'know, dealing with it, as in digging down to why you're jealous to begin with and generally working through it and your relationship. This is hard to do as I've experienced. When we're fearful, it's a sign that there is danger near. It must be some kind of ego need on his part. This issue is not related to poly- it's just that she's okay with having sex with you a couple times a month. I can't afford therapy. When you’re in love with someone, you usually will want them all to yourself, and even if you aren’t the jealous type, it’s often emotionally hard to know that you aren’t the only one they care about. You are an individual, and you need to figure out what works best for your family. You are absolutely correct in saying that it can be possessiveness. he liked playing around, so did i. we didn't want to be monogamous and we didn't want to know about the other persons partners either. Most respondents in happy polyamorous relationships reported that their feelings of jealousy tended to wane over the years, except when new … Think of it as an only child learning that their mother has now become pregnant. If you genuinely want more X, then work to make X happen together. If someone needs to feel connected for their libido to kick in that will make a difference. NRE can definitely increase sexual desire. I, myself do not need to talk to someone if I feel jealous. IRC (online chat) #reddit-poly on FreeNode. It's kinda interesting that vanilla sex with a boyfriend was what finally got to me. This suggestion also very overtly expresses the role the nonjealous partner can/should play. However, jealousy can be broken down to determine what your real concerns are. Most of the responses here were negative. Because of this fear, jealousy is one of the biggest obstacles in romantic relationships— particularly polyamorous ones. These are my good things. My wife told me she didn't want to have penetrative sex with me at all. Mismatched libidos when you live together can also start to feel invasive, especially if you're misreading, or not reading, when she might be open to you attempting to initiate something. I'd like to add something to it from my personal point of view. Sexual needs - I was married 16 years before we opened our relationship. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. Same place, same position, etc. And furthermore I reasoned that if I'm not the best for my partner, I wish them to be happy. This is good stuff. Jealousy is a nasty word in our culture. No matter what the child does, he can not change the outcome of the pregnancy (fear of abandonment) and he can not guarantee that his parents wont abandon him for the new baby (impending doom). Patience has an emotional and cognitive upkeep cost. She had other partners, I didn't. There will always be more of those. But now that she is in love with the guy, it bugs me more. We are new to polyamory, and I don't have another partner. I disagree with your entire post. I know that a lot of the time she feels like I have a lot of expectations for her at home. Usually the jealous partner bares the responsibility of "communicating" and learning how to solve it while the other partner just has to be patient and reassuring. Anger, jealousy, excitement, joy, etc. 8. Jealousy isn't just something that happens within poly relations, or when there's competition in relationships. Manager micromanages me while I'm typically doing a great job but someone else gets ignored as they laze through the shift ignoring protocols, texting or talking at critical work times... That will create jealousy. Jealousy. I like a lot of what you're saying, but my one problem is the having another child with a older child already in the home analogy. It might be easier for B to specify some reasons that would sink a monogamous relationship too - toxic is toxic, though unequal feeling for partners might be that she truly is monoamorous and thrives best with a monigamous relationship structure. Even if we think we don’t compare partners or past relationships, our mind and ego are constantly on the lookout for better or worse. Press J to jump to the feed. So....bringing this to adult interactions and after a deep talk with my other partner the other day about jealousy (he's new to poly) and especially my jealousy triggers, currently coming in hard with my husband's new arrangement, I've really internalized a better personal and interpersonal communication way, at least for me.... Jealousy is literally defined as the resentment of someone else's riches, success, or advantages..... example "I am jealous of my brother's wealth.". It is an emotion. Your brain automatically does it, you have to acknowledge it, stop it and choose to dismiss it. He seems to value integrity. You, as a partner can help you partner only so much. I have difficulty loving jealous, possessive people. Jealousy is a feeling. When we are sad, it's a sign that we must retreat emotionally to protect ourselves. “The first thing I’m always asked about is jealousy,” says Minx, host of the Polyamory Weekly podcast in Seattle. It's a slippery slope my friend and jealousy and envy will eat you up if you discover he has a larger penis then you and pleases her more. I've been reading this sub for literally years, and I just recently decided to make an account to comment, participate in group discussions, and maybe share some of my expertise. You also have to come to accept that the answer may be "both". The 49-year-old has two partners who both have other partners of their own. Or are they attributes I flat out can't change....like my height? Also do you have kids? I may have a simple home, but I love going to work everyday and feel fulfilled and even excited to go back to work tomorrow. Your analogy of a small child who learns that mother is pregnant is a good one. Anna* 36. Is this something I need to work through alone? I acknowledged that I was also very jealous that he was taking her to do things I had been asking him to do for a while with me. Working with poly couples in a professional light, I can tell you that it's been the most helpful in the long run from what I've witnessed. I wanted to share this with my husband, but he was slightly resistant. Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It's the jealous person's job to own their jealousy, to figure out why they're jealous and the actual emotions in play, and then to figure out what they can do to make sure they're not jealous in the future or communicate their needs elsewhere. the other poly relationship I was in was more like us just having the rule that "what the other person doesn't know won't hurt them". Like the more than two book says, comparing is a killer. He is an old friend who travels in my loose social circle. As I mentioned, we're also working on bringing some of my new desires into our bedroom. there have been many people that start to feel jealousy when they go through a breakup; the sheer thought of the other person being single and having the ability to replace them is maddening. We had a little bit of a rough start going from an open relationship, to her falling in love with her current partner. Rarely do we then even look deeper or think beyond that resentment....and see how our things may be just as good, even if different. The OP outlined specifics regarding how to approach jealousy consistently. However, they for themselves have to solve the problem. If I've been missing my partner and they promised me some of their time and next thing I know they are too busy for me with my meta, I get jealous. ... (even casual relationships require some trust). Some people have more emotional needs than others. It's not that way with my boyfriend. What I don't take the time to see is that she doesn't get the silly family dance parties, or failing miserably in the kitchen to the point of laughing uncontrollably that we can't even order a pizza, to a lazy Sunday nap in a pile with our kiddo on the couch, to the sex whenever we want without having to pen it into our calendar. But it's not always that easy. Also uncomfortable, but very possible. Since everyone is talking about having everyone having their needs met anyway, it doesn't matter if you specifically cite this solution to jealousy. Not fear, not response to threat, but my own undeserved entitlement. I know that I don't want to restrict his contact with any lady. My wife is poly and has a boyfriend. I am experiencing intense jealous feelings. Either way, things are back to LTR normal in your relationship. I'm reading all the comments in this thread now. You also can't convince the child he's safe, because his mother's growing belly is proof enough that the possibility of abandonment still stands. ? I want to point out that possessiveness is typically marked by a person actively tries to control another due to selfish reasons. Angry jealousy. NRE - It's new and different, especially when new love is involved. Patience and reassurance don't work when the problem sticks around. There has never been any evidence that he is false or manipulative in any way. I've been reading the Ethical Slut which addresses a lot of this, I'm a newbie here but it's worth a read. So, if she likes sex with him more than me just because it's him, that would probably make me the most upset. Taking your own example of a child who is expecting a baby brother/sister. Rather, people in healthy polyamorous relationships may view jealousy as an indication of deeper personal problems, like feeling insecure or inadequate. So I have those things that I'm jealous of him having. The reason a poly relationship can be successful despite the jealousy is because they solve the root of the problem. I know that my husband loves me and chose to spend his life with me. That’s our mind’s job, to put things in order (*note: hierarchy) so it can have linear thoughts. Your anecdote isn't something one can just imitate with the same level of success or even a guarantee at improvement. They feel things at that feelings most primal level. :(. This is because, in many non-monogamous situations, you’ll be forced to deal with what most monogamous people dread – your partner dating, loving, and/or sleeping with other people. I just need some alone time to dissect my feelings and see how irrational they are most of the time. Hopefully you can talk to your wife about why she prefers sex with her boyfriend and see if you two can work together to have more sex for you. Jealousy, like all feelings, don't go away just because we sit and talk them through. Time with a non-nesting partner can also feel like a break from the stressors of one's daily life, and those stressors can definitely dampen desire. Maybe you know you're not going to be abandoned, but on an emotional level you're still feeling jealous, and the only thing that's going to get your feelings in line with your knowledge is time, i.e. And then I have to look at all these things from his perspective as well....I spend time with another partner, who I find attractive, and we share common interests both in and out of the bedroom. Am I getting these reassurances but am unable to see past my jealousy to perceive them? By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. When they feel jealous, they confront that emotion head on in order to keep their relationships honest and strong.